Something that I've been thinking about so much lately is having another baby. Just to clarify, I can't physically have any more children and ironically, I would have to find a surrogate for myself to have another bub. Even though I know it's not physically possible, there is still that tingling feeling of desire and emotional pull that is still present. Don't get me wrong my life is a mad home of controlled chaos with four amazing children with four beautiful souls, who my husband and I truly adore (most of the time) okay (some of the time) 😝 The heart strings have been repeatedly tugged a lot lately. It started off being a fleeting thought when I'd get to hold my friend’s new bub or see their posts of their precious little bundles of toddler love. It has reached the point where it’s taking over my mind. My husband isn't much better either. We were at an event the other week together and a new baby was being passed around, we both looked at each other and he said to me “I want another one”. We have been told more than once that we are as clucky as each other. We know the reality is that if what happened didn’t happen, there would be a good chance that we wouldn’t fit into our beloved 8 seater Kia Grand Carnival and we would be forced to upgrade to a bus.
We also know how crazy adding a new bub into the mix would be and it was such a milestone when all our kids started school this year. We don’t have to lug a pram everywhere, don't have to take a bag of nappies and creams everywhere we go and life is getting more exciting as we get to leave the house more often and for longer. Our kids, armed with all their vastly different personalities, are growing faster than we would like. Our freedom as a couple and as a family is returning and being reinvented at the same time.
There is still that “what if?” and the guilt, on my part, that if we really did decide to extend our family we couldn't. Most of you reading this will probably think I've gone mad, “Why on earth would you want more children, don't you own a TV?!” (I get that a lot from people, but how do they think we kept the other kids occupied while we made the next baby?!?) 😝
I believe everything happens for a reason and you’re given certain hands in life because you are strong enough to handle them. When I first had my hysterectomy, it took me a while to come to terms with the fact I couldn't have another baby, it happened so quickly that I felt like my choice to have another baby was ripped away from me and it was hard to cope with.
Reflecting on that time I find it was a selfish way to look at things as having a hysterectomy saved my life, I wouldn't be here today if it didn't happen. And how some women have the same choice taken away from them before they get a chance to start their family. I'm so grateful that I’m actually still here to watch my kids grow up and experience life with them. So, is it selfish to want another baby? Is it the fact I'm just grieving the fact my kids aren't little anymore? Maybe because I missed a big chunk of them being little during the up and down years of getting back on my feet? Maybe it’s the requests from my only boy for a little brother? Poor guy is absolutely out numbered. Or maybe that we've now moved onto the next chapter of our life as a family? Maybe it’s the fact they don't need me as much anymore? (well they still need me just in different ways, nobody can run and get a towel quite like me).
The last twelve years has just gone so fast and if it could slow down a little that would be great! It does make us treasure every single milestone even more now. I will just have to start babysitting for my friends a little more I think 🙄 and then give them back at the end of the day and have a peaceful night’s sleep!